Why You’re Over functioning for a Man Who Won’t Commit

May 16, 2025 | 18 Iyyar, 5785 (Hebraic)

I've been receiving a pour regarding singles—men and women. All week, wisdom has been dropping. I believe it’s because countless marriages and divine connections are in motion.

But before I go into the message, here’s the post:

"Single ladies—if you’re giving a man sex, cooking, emotional support, and wife-level access without a covenant, you’re training him to enjoy the benefits without the responsibility. It’s not that men won’t marry you—but when everything’s available with no commitment, the urgency to build often disappears. Men usually know early if you’re someone they want to build with. When my husband came, I wasn’t focused on a man—I was working on me. Three months later, we were married."

There’s a dangerous imbalance many women experience in their desire for love, partnership, and stability—an imbalance that often goes unnoticed until the resentment surfaces. It sounds like:

"I’m doing everything right, but he won’t commit."

"He says he’s not ready, but he enjoys all the benefits of me being in his life."

"I keep showing up, forgiving, helping—and I feel drained."

What you're experiencing isn't just bad timing or a hard season. It’s called over functioning—doing too much emotionally, spiritually, or physically while he underinvests. You’re carrying the weight of connection, clarity, direction, and even his potential.

Over functioning in dating is when a woman begins to act like a wife to a man who’s not acting like a husband. It’s when her consistency masks his avoidance. Her nurturing conceals his passivity. Her loyalty props up his confusion.

This imbalance rarely starts with him. It starts with a subconscious belief that you must prove your worth to be chosen. It’s often the fruit of religious programming, rejection, or the idol of being chosen. And if not checked, it becomes a cycle of emotional labor—where your love becomes a burden rather than a bridge.

Scripture never once tells a woman to chase a man. Proverbs says:

"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord." (Proverbs 18:22, KJV)

In this passage, the good thing is not merely the wife as a possession, but the covenantal reality of what she brings into a man’s life: favor, help, fruitfulness, partnership, wealth, success, and upgrade.

In Hebraic thought, a "good thing" (Hebrew: tov) points to something beneficial, complete, and of divine alignment. In ancient Jewish tradition, a wife was not only a relational companion but a prophetic indicator of a man’s season. She was seen as a gateway to expansion. Her presence marked stability, maturity, and access to divine increase. Proverbs 31 reinforces this image—her hands multiply, her words build, her management increases her household, and her husband is known in the gates.

Wealth and wife were often interconnected. When a man came into covenant alignment through marriage, it was seen as a signal of Yahweh’s trust to entrust him with more. That’s how we know a true wife is a portal. Yes, some can be wicked—but the ones sent from Yahweh are gateways to legacy, order, and economic shift. It’s not a diminishment of her personhood but a reflection of the goodness she multiplies.

The wife is not a thing—she is the manifestation of what is good when divine timing, maturity, and responsibility converge. The scripture places the burden of pursuit and discernment on the man—not the woman. The finding is his responsibility. The favor is the result of his readiness, and divine order cannot function when you replace wisdom with worry, or faith with force.

It’s not that he doesn’t see your value. It’s that he doesn’t want to invest at the level your value requires. And if you stay in that dynamic long enough, you begin lowering your value in hopes that his investment will rise. But it won’t. You can’t shrink your needs into being met.

"It’s not that he doesn’t see your value. It’s that he doesn’t want to invest at the level your value requires."

A man who is emotionally, spiritually, or financially passive while enjoying your strength is not your partner—he’s your project. And you weren’t created to build a man from scratch.

Stop making up the difference for what he refuses to become. Stop rescuing him from decisions he won’t make. Stop propping up his self-image while abandoning your own. That’s not help—that’s enabling.

"You weren’t created to carry what he refuses to lift."

You are not hard to love. You are just too heavy for the man who refuses to carry. The right man won’t need convincing. He’ll need courage. And courage always initiates.

When you stop over functioning, you won’t lose love—you’ll lose dead weight. And in losing it, you’ll make room for someone who sees you as an answer, not an option.